you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
