Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
