dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
