My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
