a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dicks are not precious.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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