It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
