My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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