She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just found puke in my bra..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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