Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
