He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
