Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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