Already got asked if we're dating
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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