i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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