I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
