My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
