Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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