How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
