Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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