i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
