I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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