My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
