Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
