You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
