a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
