I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
