New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
