You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
