It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
the raccoons are back...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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