I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You ruined the universe
Randomize
