I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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