You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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