During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
