He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's rum buckets o'clock
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
