but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
