then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You have to summon your inner elephant
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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