I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
