Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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