How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize