apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
this just has baby written all over it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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