Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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