Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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