I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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