I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
