There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize