I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
