no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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