The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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