two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize