Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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