I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
