well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
