Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
