So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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