We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
