I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i love accidental penises.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
