RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
