I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
