I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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