No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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