Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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