I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
