im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
