Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
